L sees a beautiful path i wish i did jasmine is hell. abandon all modesty and freedom. abandon hope. use up your love, your friends. distance from your sweetheart, from your baby dog. lose food and drink. oh to drink again. draughts and draughts of water. oh i so miss that.
so last post. i thought i had something to say. but really, i don’t. just the same things. bad worlds. goodbye cruel worlds cliches. love to all. i miss everything. and all of it. and all of you.
i can’t fathom the trump inaugural. but there is also too much of a fixation on him when the problem is so much deeper and extends to the entire corrupt republican establishment .
and yet i have to ask myself how much is left of me to care about this. feeling so much worse. but on and on it goes.
no more energy for things. goodbyes. good wishes. none left in me.
re nancy eraser’s article: > https://www.dissentmagazine.org/online_articles/progressive-neoliberalism-reactionary-populism-nancy-fraser
Some good points I think. But, also wrong in parts. For example, she doesn’t acknowledge that Clinton did win the vote, or that clintons platformwas 75% sanders, which means it was in itself a significant break with BILL clintonism, Hilary also addressed the rust belt and jobs. But the media and republican elites and FBI and putin were allied profoundly against her per se as they always have been. Hilary is not bill. There is no ‘clintonism’. And Fraser over emphasised a rational self interest motive fortrump supporters, which is not persuasive to me. That has much more to do with projective standing in for entitlement. Trump got votes because he is an entitled privileged bully who has reinstated the speakability of white entitlement. And is part of the mediatised reality culture which is phantasmatically more real than what is real.
My opinion anyway.
[from note to B who sent me the link]
to this i’d add that the rust belt is not the only casualty of progressive neoliberalism – there is also, among many other casualties, the wanton destruction of education from state schools to universities in general (marketisation, demonisation of teachers, adjunctisation), to facts and logic and evidence; to democratic structures `(gerrymandering, destruction of citizenship, privatised prisons and corrupt, racist policing), demonisation and destruction of social/health safety nets, re-rise of authoritarianism. none of these issues is intrinsically trump territory. many casualties of progressive neoliberalism support/ardently desire an alternative progressivism.
I think of you
I remember love
It burned inside my heart
And rushed along my skin
I held it there
oh love was fire
I was alive
when I /
my voice stunned
before the end of this day
struck ice /
or my /
for what I called it /
what we called it
my jaw shook
with the effort
caught my throat /
no language for that
rock our flesh
from our lips?
neither of these poems were about me . until now. when they are. unimaginable twist of fate. and what is lost is me. have to relearn to type again. hands not working now. stylus hard on a laptop. haven’t figured it out.
anticipating calamities. israel/palestine, brexit, trump, syria, refugees everywhere crashing into intolerance and cruelty. the world k and her peers will have to confront, left to them to make better. a sorry world. and here i still am, trapped in a chair, barely moving hands inexorably contorting to their own calamity. nothing i can do now.
all the things i wanted to be throughout my life were active. poet, scholar, activist, actor, director, editor, artist, designer. maker of things. now ending like this. except its not ending. why not? it needs to end. i need to end.
biopolitics. irony of its totalising reality. not capillary power. it coalesces instead. a central proscription. you will not be enabled to a final fear free, pain free end. this is what they see as ‘reasonable limits’. i hope everyone who takes that position suffers as i do. i feel vindictive about this. let them suffer what they impose, thinking this is moral, they are elevated. entitled. be grateful. doled out in antagonised defences ‘but i am here to help’. yes, help yourself. protect your comfort. as you do what most any person takes for granted, standing up, leaving the room, picking something up. drinking their drink. you have no idea. and you are hateful and selfish. i say so.
does this apply to the world? yes. that too.
can’t leave fast enough. close down. get away. this is a trap and free people need to be free. even if plan fell through. that door is escape. dash. get away.
meanwhile is hidden for now. can pretend it away. resentments don’t matter from a distance. can face away. not looking.
lola is asleep with smile. not like yesterday when she was slumped morose in her bed all day. now just me who is morose. difficult. hateful. get away from her. get away.
i thought i might be done with this. left hand folded over and crushed. no longer working. now right hand going. need to go to bed every hour. what more to say. am sick to my stomach all the time and sitting up is an ordeal. but then o is lying down. does anyone really need to hear this chronicle. do i really need to write it. letters from friends. hard to write back now. what to say. no stamina for it. alienated from lola. nothing left for her and she has migrated to g. i am jealous. but how not.
watching big bang theory season 10. easy watching. interruptible without losing the plot. guess my mind is going from feeling so fatigued.