bad tidings

I had a panic attack last night. It lasted for hours and it was awful. I still am feeling very bad. It looks like someone will finally come today to take blood and I am trying to insist that it is evaluated as a matter of urgency. If it is hypercalcemia, I need to have this seen to. I am supposed to also get a doctor visit. I can ask to check for oral thrush again. As it might be that too. I haven’t got an oncology appointment yet. How would I get there in any case, once it does come through?

In amidst is the horror spectacle of the US election. I dread a Trump outcome. Who are these awful people to whom he seems to speak, to move. I don’t understand them. Their grievances, their sense of entitlement. It is our country, not just theirs. I can see there is no getting through. I’ve theorised it. But understanding it is not really understanding it.

There is no ‘giving up’. It just gets beaten out of you. And it is long, drawn out, and worse by the hour.

 

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