fighting words

I have to go to a hospital appointment in an hour and I am dreading the car ride as I am in so much pain, I don’t know how I will endure the ride. It is like this every time. Waiting for an appointment that always comes far too late to do me any good and where I have to go through torture to manage it. If this had been done a few weeks ago, I would have been able to get there without agony.

We put in a chair lift on the stairs today. Another concession. But I’m tired and barely able to move. Another oral candida infection, just as awful as the first time around last March. I wish I could just stay home this afternoon and go back to bed. But I think I need palliative radiation and A wants me in clinic to evaluate it.

The hospital trip yesterday was as I thought not really crucial. We could have had the discussion by phone. But it’s not A’s fault. I should have said something. And also arranged for a CT scan yesterday. Now I’ll have to endure this pain for a number of days and then make two separate trips to the hospital. Then another wait of a week at least until I get some pain relief. Its keeping G from sleep as well. This illness turns you into a horrible inconsiderate source of unrelenting strife and discomfort.. Maybe thats why people feel relief when someone like me finally dies. Its enough already. It ruins everything it touches. I am sure we are all tired of me.

M. from palliative care raised the question of marijuana and whether I would consider that for pain. Yes I said. But I don’t know anyone who uses it and would have no idea where to get it. Its illegal in the UK in any case. L said something similar. I guess I could ask around. I am feeling pretty desperate.

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