I spent some time this morning downloading videos to watch. Funny, easy films with happy endings. Like Julie and Julia which I am taking a short hiatus from watching to say something here. I want to get away from things. Pass time. I skipped most of the news. I can’t stand to engage with it.
Lola keeps wanting to sit on me but I am too uncomfortable to accommodate her. So I keep having to push her away. It gets worse before it gets better (if it is going to get better, which is not a sure thing). But knowing that doesn’t make it easier to deal with. I felt the bad effects set in last night. I hope they subside soon. I have to call the hospital and change my cardiology follow up. I can’t stand to spend so much time going to and returning from hospital appointments. I want a break.
So I am, in any case, caught here not knowing what to write about. I think I’ve exhausted the subject of me. And I am exhausted before I start at the subject of the world.
I am tired. Things drift into my head to say or write, and then they fade. I have email exchanges about Trump and politics thinking they are consequential for me too. I plan out sequences or quotes to post here. But it is too hard to follow through. Or I forget what it was. Or it seems hackneyed or stale or lacking in authenticity when In come round to do it. I could say maybe its just the radiation effects. And I haven’t started back on Letrizole, though I don’t think it will be any more effective than before. I can imagine the cycle of fading then rallying. But how long can that go on. I was wanting a time when I could have some life again. But maybe its just sleep that I will get, if the palliation works.