dreading this

The new sofa arrived today. It is very nice looking, though the seat feels too hard for me. So will have to find jury rigged solutions to ease pressure pain. I have had many occasions where I’ve said I have never felt worse than I do now. Because this is progressive, it is true each time. And I have never felt this dreadful before. I didn’t even know it was possible to have so much wrong at one time and to be in permanent pain and decrepitude.

I am awaiting and unwanted call from cardiology to set up a procedure to drain the effusion around my heart. I am dreading this. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have so much more wrong with me at the same time. I don’t know how I will get through it.

I’m trying to think of something in the world to talk about. But my collapse has taken over and I am too sick to talk about anything else. Trying to find things to escape into on video. But the escapist films are all predicated on a previous reality — democracy, opportunity, kindness, fun, women having agency, life being beautiful. The interstices of these conditions where a problem can be mainly just personal (though not always) and solved in the end with the better future. Happy endings. Romantic comedies. Formulaic and easy to swallow. I look for these. But from this vantage point, they belong to a shattered world. And there is no escaping that.

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