Why is it done? Why isn’t there a line of media that says, if you don’t win the popular vote, you shouldn’t win the election. I am sick of the accommodations here.  And why have large  media outlets met with Trump to be told off? What? Why don’t they just tell him he is a pathetic cry baby and to grow up. You don’t get to control what people say to or about you you infantile loser. You wanted to run for public office, be a public figure, this is what you get. Why are they all going along? What is wrong with them.

As we watch from a distance and this man breaches every rule and convention and no one says anything. The accept him as unstoppable as if they have no power to stop him. Craven and self deluding. It makes me furious and disgusted. Religions flourish on the idea of shame. And here is what it should refer to — the shame and culpability and complacency  witnessed in just this moment by people who think the are above it all, or not vulnerable and who don’t give a shit about anyone’s welfare. Just their own greed.  Because the truth is, they want this. It appeals to them. You can see it in their wilful obtuseness. You can hear it in their strident emollient voices.  They find it exciting. I hate them all, beyond what I had imagined was my capacity to hate, and to be disappointed.


An endless supply of tears it seems, but my mouth is too dry to swallow properly. As the destruction of my hands picks up pace again, I realised last night that I am done. No more drugs that trade off this for the evidence free possibility of stopping the cancer. It should be a time where you decide to just try to be comfortable. But the world has changed and comfort is not possible in this beginning of the end of all good things. Why should this be different for me.

S wrote me a note today and it made me cry. All these tears. Nearly every day starts like this. Sometimes just like this, where someone sends me their words and it comforts me. Thats what happens when kindness leaves the order of things. Its small precious remnants break your heart.




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