Impossible to take sick leave. i knew it would be when I requested the note. People can’t accommodate it. The need to recover. No space. And I feel uncomfortable about pushing it. Even with my voice gone again. The medialisation only lasted a couple months instead of a year. Choking on everything. Coughing at the stabbing itch in my larynx. I am always thirsty. Yet can’t drink without choking. But one student pre viva and another about to submit and several amid the early stages. Can’t leave this alone.
It’s difficult to tell people the truth sometimes. That you are betrayed by their electoral choices, for example. Or that you don’t want to stay around for the destruction of the world. Or that you have come to the end of hope. A said that to me today, you have to keep pushing, keep hoping, Why I said?
G has been talking about the imminent dangers to the free press. His analogy with the fear that makes people cooperate with serial killers or rapists who promise not to kill you if you do what they say. It resonates. What G is saying. But there is something more. The excitement many feel at the prospect of a scorched earth. They find it entertaining to entertain such prospects, even as they might gesture towards denial. They are avid for the destruction of others. They think it doesn’t matter to them. Like watching a bomb drop on television footage. Beaudrillard’s hyperreality theory. It is not a meta phenomenon this. It is a base thing, that many people feel, that anchors them to their sense of entitlement or sense that they are exempt. They get on with things, pretending that it isn’t real. But in their assertion and avidity, they demonstrate how very real this is.
Alice Miller tried to psychoanalyse the fascist mindset, its inner life, its unconscious. I remember reading her work many years ago. I’ll have to dig it out again. To see if it is persuasive, or more, provides a foothold for the converse, for the struggles ahead. I suspect that everything will have change. The music. The films. The books. The conversations.