all lost. And I wonder

I just lost everything i was writing from today and I feel devastated. i did something to the screen and it swiped into oblivion and I can’t get it back. I pressed save as i was going but it still disappeared. I depend on technology but I hate it. Its been too many hours so I can’t reconstruct it. I hate this format because I don’t understand how it works and I hate this machine because it does things I don’t understand. My folded over fingers accidentally press or move something and I can’t get it back.

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I was trying to write about Going Clear, the documentary about Scientology that I watched today. I said that I thought it was a weak film, with nothing to offer that wasn’t already in the public domain, or already stated much more powerfully by Paul Haggis in his widely circulated article. I wondered what it is about charismatic authoritarian charlatans, that persuades people? I understand being trapped, held hostage, oppressed to the disappearance of imagination. But I don’t understand the persuasion. To choose this, when you have the means, the capital, the choice, not to. And I wonder, because the film did not say, how people who left managed to start over, pick up the pieces, move on. Some had major roles in the film industry that they could rely on, but what about then others?

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M visited today. I was worried because it is so hard to interact now as my voice is gone and i feel so sick all the time. But it was a nice visit and I’m grateful that she wanted to come. And lola was delighted. The fine discernments of dogs.

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