shouting into the void

Overhearing G shouting on the phone at the NHS because I still haven’t had my choking evaluated and its going toward a month since the urgent referral from the GP. He managed to get them to hear him but the appointment is not until next thursday. I can’t militate on my own behalf anymore. the alternative is admission to the hospital, which is a ridiculous use of resources and I don’t want to do in any case. A was also clear that she thought the hospital would be a very bad place for me and wants to try to keep me out of it. This is what a starved health service does and doesn’t do.

C and several others wrote with intent to visit. I am in such terrible shape. I don’t know how I can hold up my end. I can no longer talk. I am tired. I make terrible sounds. I look dreadful. I know its not supposed to matter. But I am consumed with this.

i am sleeping more during the day. just short snatches as i keep choking but id sleep for longer if i could. maybe a sign that this will all be over soon. I still feel my mind alive and with little compromise, even as everything else of value to me is twisting out of shape into painful loss. My hands are in a shocking state. we are buying a blender to see if we can make things I can swallow. but i sense it is too late to do much good.

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