My mom and brother had to leave this morning and I feel so awful about it i am beside myself. i don’t want them to go. i feel devastated to say goodbye.

everything is so awful  but it doesn’t end. i want it to end. now some kind of bowel obstruction. painful. makes me sick. cough much worse. fear of smothering. no world left. can’t think about the world. stopped caring. am afraid to take it into my hands. don’t know how. afraid to make it worse. wish i could be in induced coma with propofol, then finished off. fast. without more pain. no more fear. no more gasping for air in panic. just done.

L sent this link. i guess i still care about some things.

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