d thought my last post was harsh. yes. she is right. i was harsh. palliative care is doing their best within constraints they are bound by. maybe believe in too. they can’t stop me being a hostage. if i want to move, i have to ask and then wait each time. not anyones fault. just how it is. they say we can give you drugs within reasonable limits. i ask, what defines reasonable? it upsets them. C was equivocal. maybe how she feels. maybe constraints of her position. i got angry. festering with it. but not necessarily at anyone. just angry. So am sorry to have been harsh.

the problem is i don’t want to die. but am anyway. i want to stop it. I’m fighting unconsciousness. i wont have peace or acceptance. there are bad ways to die. this is one of them. i resent dying. i resent having my day to day everything in other peoples hands. people like me make demands. we don’t want to wait because waiting is itself a galling loss of selfhood. you fucking wait i want to say. but know that this is unfair and ugly. but also the truth. who wants to loose all the minutia that add up to autonomy. self respect. self definition.

so in a way I’m not sorry. and am sorry about that.


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