watching youtube videos. things i want still to do. i still want things. i still miss things. everything is much harder. need oxygen so my heart doesn’t have to work so hard. watch people with wild animals. always wanted to do that. watching comedy. kate mackinnon. watching peoples hands. when i dream, mine are still like that.

dreams about food. sometimes bad, others just strange. today wanted to eat.crushed ice to drink better than popsicles.

i miss fashion  think about clothes i won’t get to wear. and things i won’t get to build. and home in los angeles. i didn’t guess that i would be lost in england. always thought it would be the other way around. recurring nightmare i had for years. lost in familiar places. like pico boulevard. but everything i built gone and i forgot where i was supposed to go. or the beach. where no one was there and i couldn’t tell if i was north or south.

it is christmas time. i always liked christmas. lights and decorating the tree. presents. nice food.

if i was well i would bake a cheesecake. and cookies for the neighbours. and i’d figure out something for a nice dinner. and i would be able to eat it all. and when i’d go to bed it would be soft and my muscles would relax, instead of stiffening up and hurting. i’d find something nice to wear and g and i could have a party. we could drive to costco and get a cake that i like. we could put out starters and i could make lasagna or chicken skewers and rice. we could invite our neighbours and friends.

then i could fly home. and feel the sun.


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